Growing Old, Not what I expected

31 years ago I would never have thought I would be spending my "Nonnie" years being too busy to be the "Nonnie" I dreamed of being.

I had a conversation with my beautiful daughter today and she shared with me how different "Nonnies" are today. Not very available for "Daughters and Babies other than what is convenient for them, and I found that to be a sad statement and to know that for all the reasons I never ever expected 31 years ago, to be true for me.

My Daughter did not say that is how she viewed me, however, after our conversation It was sad to know that instead of going over and getting the babies for the day to go to the park or the zoo or MickyD's,  I am in school preparing to go back to work at 50, starting a new career. I spent 20+ years at home, raising these wonderful children, and now my life is such I cannot enjoy the fruit of my labor of love. Why?

Why? because I choose to be happy - because I was not willing to be with someone who could not for what ever reason give to someone other than himself what they needed, not even in the smallest amount.

But at the same time for all the sacrificing I did while raising my children, doing what was best for them at any cost to me while they were young, causes me to question, should I have found a source of happiness out side of my marriage while staying in it? Was making the choice to leave a form of selfishness that I was using as a reason to leave?  Was I being as self centered as the reason I wanted happiness?  I wonder? I can see how easy it is to turn our judgement of another, into my reason/justification for what I wanted.

Every choice has a ripple effect - sometimes you see the ripple, sometimes you don't. But there is always a ripple. And 20/20 is always better than present sight, however I do believe if we move outside of our self we can weigh the ripple effects with the action.

I truly believe I did not do this. It is funny the older I get I see how everything I thought I knew and were sure of or could justify no longer really works. Truth comes with aging, and it is sad, often seeing truth of what was, doesn't always translate into seeing truth of what is. I pray I am not so consumed with my truth, that I use it to justify my actions to fit what I want.

So if you are reading this and you are still enjoying the beginning of life, know this. As the days move and change, what you think your life will be like in 30 years from now, can change.

Be awake, be aware. Feel your emotions but never let them lead in the choices you make. If you need more, give it to yourself.

If you need less, take a walk, every day if necessary, alone.

The grass may be greener but the cost to enjoy it is never worth the reward.

If it was just me, I would say, "I am so lucky to have met someone who loves me as no other in my life has". However taking care of MY needs is the reason I will miss the fruit I worked so hard for. My children's grown lives.

Think always, feel always, pray for direction....

Peace Always
Ann

Whats your worth based on ? Quality or Quantity? A birthday Lesson

Birthdays, we have them every year like it or not. Some are fun and we cannot wait to have them, others we wish would never come - but overall a birthday is you and your moms day to celebrate your life. 

In between birthdays we grow a little in size and maturity. (suppose to anyway). One of the gifts I received when I was born was the desire and drive to be introspecitve, which comes from a desire to experience what it would be like to live without all the baggage life puts into us and experience joy in the purest since, and I always wanted to use 90 percent of my brain before I die, and knowing we only use about 10 percent is a lot of work to do. 

Living with the deep faith in dreams and hope and nothing is impossible if you are willing to take the steps to get there has allowed me to move forward not only externally but internally. 

During these times I have always wanted to share my growth with others, insights, learning experiences, things that only enhance the joy of living. So here I share.

Ever since I have been part of a social network I have dreaded my birthday. 

Leaning who you are really can bring you so much more peace wtihin and being ok iwth it. There are somethings that need fixed or tweeked but overall there are somethings that are just who you are.

Through out my  life I have always had one, two or maybe three really close friends. I have never been one to have a mulitude of friends that I am close to. I think because I am a very intuitive person, and very introspective. People pick up on that and I pick up on the underlying current/ motive of ppls behavior. Those who what to grow gravitate toward me and see me for who I really am. Those who do not usually will cast blame my way, making sure I become a bad guy. And that is fine, it hurts because they usually will taint others view of me, and for years I felt like I was always defending myself, but after awhile you can see what is going on...and no matter what you say or how you say it - it will be turned around in a negative way. 

Anyway, on to what this old dog learned on her birthday. How do we measure our value and why did being on a social network on my birthday bother me?

I have measured my popularity, my value by others value. Lets say some of my face book friends have hundres of their friend post Happy Birthday wishes to them on their birthday and that is so cool. But I always know when it is my birthday I will have the usual post, family and a very small amount of friends. Maybe 10-12 post if I am lucky. 

It hurt, it made me feel less than. So I spent the time feeling sorry for not having 100 post of birthday wishes, rather than rejoice in the 10 I did have. 

Most of the ppl in my life come and go, and usually it is with a lesson or a word of encouragement or something I needed to learn from them. I have quite a few friends who look to me for help in their life circumstances. Or while at the dentist I meet someone in the waiting room and in the conversation I offered help or encouragement in a way that gave them peace or joy, then they were gone. 

My willingness to own my faults to stive to be better keeps me alone in a sense. Most ppl don't want to look within when it is so easy and less painful to blame others for our misery. I am a cup half ful. 

This birthday I learned this about me. While I don't have 100 post of well wishes for my birthday, the ones I do have are so very special. And the best part of this lesson, it applies to so much more. It is never the expectation of what we want from others that establishes our value, but what we get from others, even when it is just one.

I should have learned this from the example Chirst gave on the cross. you see I belive he would hung there in pain for just one person. 

I am blessed in so many ways, and to know the path in which I am on and should rejoice in only makes my joy greater.

I share with you these personal truths and lessons because I know, I am very humble and not perfect, only through owning my stuff, good and bad can I be better. My mother always told me growing up.." You just expect too much"

Yes, Yes I do and I hope and pray I never stop expecting too much.

it is funny, sometimes I have prayed not to be like this, not to be so observent, introspective, intuitive, that I wish I was just a "dumb blonde" hahahahaha, but I am not, I am who I am....

So after 49 years I am getting closer to my goals, I relax much more now, I learn better, and apply faster.

I cannot really imagin not being me. And it is wonderful not to feel like I have to be someone else to be happy.

Peace and Joy always

Ann

Dreaming about Life

by Ann Dagata Samples on Friday, April 15, 2011 at 4:46pm

How many of you know you go through dreaming stages throughout your life? 

I have dreamt all my life, but not just random dreams that I don't remember but I go through dream phases where I know I am dreaming future happenings. 

I remember when I put my Deja’vu together with dreams. Mostly because for years I recorded my dreams, the ones that were more like real life, not random events that get jumbled together, but dreams that play out a real story. Most of them at the time made absolutely no sense at all to me, but later when it happened I could go back and look at what I wrote.

I am in a dream phase of the future right now. I have never noted it before like this. It will last anywhere from 1-8 weeks. I talk a lot in my sleep and as my husband tells me it is like a real conversation not some jumbled up words.

I use to walk in my sleep but thankful I don't anymore. LOL

Recently I dreamt my son was being interview by a bunch of reporters because he was the latest golf sensation. When I shared the dream he started laughing only to tell me he has been thinking seriously about getting into professional golf, and was surprised because he had not told anyone about his thoughts. But my kids know me well enough not to be too surprised. 

I get excited to think about dreaming future events, they may not happen for 2,5, 15 years. I also dream a lot about issues that are inside of me that bother me on a subconscious level. I guess it is a way of bringing to my attention so that I can work through the "feeling" not so much the interaction with anyone but myself. 

I would love to hear about your dream experiences. 

"FEAR" What is it really? How to Move Past it -

"Fear from the Greek: φόβος,phóbos, meaning "fear" or "morbid fear", is a distressing negative emotion induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus. I have copied below the longer viersion of Fear. However because I am a pro at dealing with fear there is only one way to overcome it, FACE IT

No matter what it is FACE IT! DO NOT RUN AND HIDE, FACE IT! However before you can you must understand and deal with one fact....in facing it you could die. YEP that is the worst of worst things that could happen. So if you take a minute, go ahead, clear your mind and thoughts. Now imagin dieing. Anyway you want. Imagin being tortured, falling from a 50 story building, burning slowly, suffering from painful cancer. Now, imagin the end of that suffering you die. Dead. Now what ? 

If you compare that to the feeling you have if you think of those things and worry about them, fear them, run from them the pain and prolonged issues will haunt you and make your life miserable. Imagin worring about getting sick - you won't go out aroudn others, you won't touch things, you clean everything more than needed. Imagin being afraid of someone attacking you, so you stay in your house all the time, doors and windows locked, blinds drawn. Because your mind is telling you if you go out you will be killed. So if you already dealth with being killed you can go out.

There has been so much fear in my life there came a day when I was exhausted from hiding and running so I stood up, turned around and faced it. And I will tell you I will stand toe to toe with Satan himself or any evil there is, but I will not cower behind a chair, I will not hind in the dark waiting to be hurt....in fact, I will get in the face of fear and back it down.

Your voice, your eyes, your stance pushes fear in the back ground.  There was a time when my daughter was working as a bartender. It was her first night on the bar so we went to celebrate with her. While eating a nice dinner at the bar there was a big group that game in. After they had several drinks they started complaing that she was not serving them fast enough. The regulars that were there started standing up for her and telling them to settle down. Then before we knew it men are bumping men and words are flying. Was I a fraid? YES. But I would not cower and run. So I stood on my bar stool, wisteled really loud, which I do well, and told them all to knock it off or I would call the police. They looked at me like ???? And started back in at each other, so I did it again, this time they parted ways went back to thier seats and calmed down.

Now some think I am so brave, so in your face, but I tell you, I can recall a time I was at someone house, and her husband came home drunk and she would not let him in, I was no older than 9ish. So he proceeded to take a baseball bat and bust in the windows. I cowarded behind the chair in fear.

Every night I lay in my bed in fear. NEVER WILL I EVER let fear of ANY KIND keep me from living. Do I like it? NO, but I like being afraid less. So in order to take care of myself and live the life I deserve to live I protect myself in the best possible way, stand up to the fear, face it and make it go away. NO POWER

Same with any fear, spiders, falling, tight spaces, heights, no matter the fear, face it...and accept death, it is the worst possible outcome...

Here is the dictonary's description of fear...thanks for reading....Love, Peace and Joy !!

Ann

"Fear can be widely classified into two types: external fear and internal fear.

• External fear is caused by something outside of you which you are strongly motivated to avoid, for example: fear of spiders.
• Internal fear is something inside of you that you link a negative emotion, for example: fear developed out of low self esteem.

Fear can be described with different terms in relation to the degree of fear that is experienced. It varies from mild caution to extreme phobia and paranoia. Fear is related to a number of additional cognitive and emotional states including worry,anxiety, terror, horror, panic, and dread. Experiences of fear can remain long after exposure in the unconscious mind, where they may then manifest as nightmares, or, in an even stronger form, night terrors. Fear may also be experienced within a larger group or social network, and may be compounded by social influence and become mass hysteria. Some pathologies related to fear (defined by persistent and irrational fears) can include different types of anxiety disorder which are very common, and also other more severe illnesses like the extreme phase of bipolar disorder and some kinds of schizophrenia.

The experience of distrust can be explained as a feeling of mild fear or caution, usually in response to an unfamiliar or potentially dangerous person. Distrust may occur as a feeling of warning towards someone or something that is questionable or unknown. For example, one may distrust a stranger who acts in a way that is perceived as odd or unusual. Likewise, one may distrust the safety of a rusty old bridge across a 1,000-foot (300 m) drop. Distrust may serve as an adaptive, early warning signal for situations that could lead to greater fear and danger. Reassurance can usually dissolve a fear like this e.g. repeatedly doing something to gain trust in it.

Terror is an acute and pronounced form of fear. It is an overwhelming sense of immediate personal danger. It can also be caused by perceiving the object of a phobia. Terror may overwhelm a person to the point of making irrational choices and atypical behavior.

 Paranoia is a term used to describe a psychosis of fear. It is experienced as long-standing feelings and perceptions of being persecuted. Paranoia is an extreme emotional state combined with cognitions or, more specifically, delusions that one is in danger. This degree of fear may indicate that a person has changed his or her normal behavior in extreme or maladaptive ways." 

Dreaming - About Death

 

Last night will make the second dream this month that I was going to die or died. I forgot to write about the first dream but I basicaly was killed in my dream. 

Last night, I was in Prison and was going to be put to death. I was in an orange jump suit . At one point I was sitting in my cell on the edge of the bed - and it was like the first time I really let the fact that I was going to die sink in and I was in shock, disbelife, although not afraid, sad, regretful that I was so young and had not lived and done the things I thought I should have. That everyday I wasted doing nothing. I realized how special living was. And I was enormously sad, and the sadness was intensified because I knew I did not have a second chance to make it right.

On my last day I walked down this hallway carring a large duffle bag, it too was orange, I am pretty sure it was all my belongings. I was going into a large room where someone was that I loved. I could not see this person but I knew it was our last visit, time together, and I gave my bad to this person. I remember the Warden being kind and sorrowful that I was being put to death. 

There is a part of me that thinks I was allowed a new chance that I walked out alive, but the dream is too vauge to recall what really happened. So I will take it like this.

I woke up so I do have a new opportunity to live my life as I should be. Not to waste opportunities to show, tell, others and myself how special they are. 

One of the things that confirms I love my husband, because I love him the most when I am so mad at him. Loving him when things are wonderful is easy and normal. 

Loving everyone, even when their actions are hurtful, confussing, o causes anger to rise in me, Love unconditionaly. Pray, ask for my heart to not judge, but to live with sincere love, and trust what ever their path is and purpose is that I accept them even when I do not understand. And Know that their actions that cause me to hurt is not personal, it is their pain coming out and I just happen to be there. 

I ask that the day I die regardless of how it happens, that I never regret my life ~!

Always,Ann 

Pray Not for yourself, But Mankind

We are watching a movie and it stirred a thought.

In my Christian journey early on I struggled with the idea that the God I loved and whorshiped would allow children to be abused, tortured and hurt.
However, I came to accept it was not for me to understand only to accept what was.

This movie reminds me, that when mankind turned against God and rose up against him and made himself the one whom to worship and God sent his wrath upon man it included all mankind, no one was excluded, not even the innocent. It is up to the adults and the leaders to kneel in prayer and return to the grace of God so that all are redeemed and returned to God's favor.

When I choose to have my children, I knew deep in my soul, there was no excuse for me when I stood before God, if I was not the mother to the children he in trusted to me, I should be. And it was only through seeking him and allowing his blessing to heal my pain and shortcomings that it could be, regardless of the cost to me.

As with any child we have moments of rebellion and selfishness, of hurt and anger and I have had my moments with that toward my God, but he knows my true heart that he will always be my father and my love and honor for him will only grow stronger and I grow wiser.

May we all seek his love and grace through prayer, not for our self, but for all of mankind. May we love as Jesus taught us to love so that those we meet will see the true spirit of love.

We love with a knowledge of what a man can become not who he is in his sin, that is love that includes the ability to move mountains and change hearts and save souls.

Thank you Father for insight and the ability to share your love

Morning Time

Sitting on the back deck this morning I gave thanks for all that I saw. One of my favorite things are the butterflies my new garden has attracted. They are so delicate and beautiful. Like life I suppose, if you are really living. We  however, unlike the butterfly can put up a protective wall around our delicate heart. To protect us from harm. The only down side is, we live behind the wall looking out, and nothing good or bad can get in.

I lived with a wall most of my life, always watching and attentive to the bad, weather it came in the way of intentions of character or action. I was armed for battle. However, my soul is longing to be free, not to be in the fight or flight mode.

I have learned to move backwards, to turn and walk in the other direction of the bad, I was not put on earth to fix it, to think about it, to spend my time stressing over it. If I cannot do anything about it, control it change it, then I move away from it, and hope and pray that the source of the bad is moved to find the good in themselves and put that forth for others to see and feel.

The sunrise and butterflies have given me much to say my thanks for today, so I give back to my God, today, my soul, my laughter, my love, that he may use it to glorify him self.

Annie