Birthdays, we have them every year like it or not. Some are fun and we cannot wait to have them, others we wish would never come - but overall a birthday is you and your moms day to celebrate your life.
In between birthdays we grow a little in size and maturity. (suppose to anyway). One of the gifts I received when I was born was the desire and drive to be introspecitve, which comes from a desire to experience what it would be like to live without all the baggage life puts into us and experience joy in the purest since, and I always wanted to use 90 percent of my brain before I die, and knowing we only use about 10 percent is a lot of work to do.
Living with the deep faith in dreams and hope and nothing is impossible if you are willing to take the steps to get there has allowed me to move forward not only externally but internally.
During these times I have always wanted to share my growth with others, insights, learning experiences, things that only enhance the joy of living. So here I share.
Ever since I have been part of a social network I have dreaded my birthday.
Leaning who you are really can bring you so much more peace wtihin and being ok iwth it. There are somethings that need fixed or tweeked but overall there are somethings that are just who you are.
Through out my life I have always had one, two or maybe three really close friends. I have never been one to have a mulitude of friends that I am close to. I think because I am a very intuitive person, and very introspective. People pick up on that and I pick up on the underlying current/ motive of ppls behavior. Those who what to grow gravitate toward me and see me for who I really am. Those who do not usually will cast blame my way, making sure I become a bad guy. And that is fine, it hurts because they usually will taint others view of me, and for years I felt like I was always defending myself, but after awhile you can see what is going on...and no matter what you say or how you say it - it will be turned around in a negative way.
Anyway, on to what this old dog learned on her birthday. How do we measure our value and why did being on a social network on my birthday bother me?
I have measured my popularity, my value by others value. Lets say some of my face book friends have hundres of their friend post Happy Birthday wishes to them on their birthday and that is so cool. But I always know when it is my birthday I will have the usual post, family and a very small amount of friends. Maybe 10-12 post if I am lucky.
It hurt, it made me feel less than. So I spent the time feeling sorry for not having 100 post of birthday wishes, rather than rejoice in the 10 I did have.
Most of the ppl in my life come and go, and usually it is with a lesson or a word of encouragement or something I needed to learn from them. I have quite a few friends who look to me for help in their life circumstances. Or while at the dentist I meet someone in the waiting room and in the conversation I offered help or encouragement in a way that gave them peace or joy, then they were gone.
My willingness to own my faults to stive to be better keeps me alone in a sense. Most ppl don't want to look within when it is so easy and less painful to blame others for our misery. I am a cup half ful.
This birthday I learned this about me. While I don't have 100 post of well wishes for my birthday, the ones I do have are so very special. And the best part of this lesson, it applies to so much more. It is never the expectation of what we want from others that establishes our value, but what we get from others, even when it is just one.
I should have learned this from the example Chirst gave on the cross. you see I belive he would hung there in pain for just one person.
I am blessed in so many ways, and to know the path in which I am on and should rejoice in only makes my joy greater.
I share with you these personal truths and lessons because I know, I am very humble and not perfect, only through owning my stuff, good and bad can I be better. My mother always told me growing up.." You just expect too much"
Yes, Yes I do and I hope and pray I never stop expecting too much.
it is funny, sometimes I have prayed not to be like this, not to be so observent, introspective, intuitive, that I wish I was just a "dumb blonde" hahahahaha, but I am not, I am who I am....
So after 49 years I am getting closer to my goals, I relax much more now, I learn better, and apply faster.
I cannot really imagin not being me. And it is wonderful not to feel like I have to be someone else to be happy.
Peace and Joy always
Ann
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