Growing Old, Not what I expected

31 years ago I would never have thought I would be spending my "Nonnie" years being too busy to be the "Nonnie" I dreamed of being.

I had a conversation with my beautiful daughter today and she shared with me how different "Nonnies" are today. Not very available for "Daughters and Babies other than what is convenient for them, and I found that to be a sad statement and to know that for all the reasons I never ever expected 31 years ago, to be true for me.

My Daughter did not say that is how she viewed me, however, after our conversation It was sad to know that instead of going over and getting the babies for the day to go to the park or the zoo or MickyD's,  I am in school preparing to go back to work at 50, starting a new career. I spent 20+ years at home, raising these wonderful children, and now my life is such I cannot enjoy the fruit of my labor of love. Why?

Why? because I choose to be happy - because I was not willing to be with someone who could not for what ever reason give to someone other than himself what they needed, not even in the smallest amount.

But at the same time for all the sacrificing I did while raising my children, doing what was best for them at any cost to me while they were young, causes me to question, should I have found a source of happiness out side of my marriage while staying in it? Was making the choice to leave a form of selfishness that I was using as a reason to leave?  Was I being as self centered as the reason I wanted happiness?  I wonder? I can see how easy it is to turn our judgement of another, into my reason/justification for what I wanted.

Every choice has a ripple effect - sometimes you see the ripple, sometimes you don't. But there is always a ripple. And 20/20 is always better than present sight, however I do believe if we move outside of our self we can weigh the ripple effects with the action.

I truly believe I did not do this. It is funny the older I get I see how everything I thought I knew and were sure of or could justify no longer really works. Truth comes with aging, and it is sad, often seeing truth of what was, doesn't always translate into seeing truth of what is. I pray I am not so consumed with my truth, that I use it to justify my actions to fit what I want.

So if you are reading this and you are still enjoying the beginning of life, know this. As the days move and change, what you think your life will be like in 30 years from now, can change.

Be awake, be aware. Feel your emotions but never let them lead in the choices you make. If you need more, give it to yourself.

If you need less, take a walk, every day if necessary, alone.

The grass may be greener but the cost to enjoy it is never worth the reward.

If it was just me, I would say, "I am so lucky to have met someone who loves me as no other in my life has". However taking care of MY needs is the reason I will miss the fruit I worked so hard for. My children's grown lives.

Think always, feel always, pray for direction....

Peace Always
Ann